A Funny Thing Happened On My Way Home

I clocked in two minutes late today and received an incident on my attendance record. I attempted to explain the situation to my supervisor, but he would have no part of it. Instead of being penalized for being late, I should actually be venerated. It all started yesterday on my way home from work.

To make a short story long…I was on my way home from work last night, looking around minding my own business, when I witnessed an auto accident about 23 cars ahead of me around a corner involving a green Toyota. As I approached the scene of the accident I could clearly see the victim looking in her rearview mirror and apparently crying and I realized it wasn't a green Toyota, it was a gray Lincoln—but no matter. Being the chivalrous man that I am, I leapt to her rescue and rushed to her car. I attempted to rip the driver's side door from its hinges, but could not, I figured it had something to do with the accident; so I pulled the door-latch and opened it that way. As I opened her door, she looked at my direction; I could see from how huge her eyes became and how the color flushed from her face that she must have been in shock. I looked her right in the eyes and yelled quietly "DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE IN DANGER, I AM HERE TO HELP!" I knew she was in shock when she said "Help for what? Get away from me you freak!" I am just glad I was there for her.

I attempted to yank her from the vehicle for fear that it could explode any second, but her hands had become frozen from fright and would not let go of the steering wheel. The poor thing must have been in severe pain from the accident because as I attempted to rescue her from the wreckage she continually screamed and yelled. I must have inadvertently hurt her, because after my eighth or ninth yank she hit me in the head with her purse. I attempted to reassure her that I was only helping and informed her that I had been trained in CPR when I was in the Boy Scouts. The poor thing was in such shock that once I removed her from the wreckage she attempted to run away several times. I had to tackle her twice. Good thing I remembered a few of my old football moves from high school. Out of fear she could exacerbate any internal injuries, I sat on top of her until help could arrive.

I was rather surprised when instead of EMS, a vehicle which looked to be an unmarked police car pulled up. A man wearing what appeared to be an authentic police uniform stepped out of the vehicle and began running toward us. It was right then that I remembered an episode of 'The Alien Files' I had watched the other day. The show is off the air now, but is in syndication on the Artificial Intelligence Channel. But I happened to have checked it out at the local library, which is really convenient since my Beta VCR is busted and I couldn't record it. The episode was titled "Cop Alien Abductions," from season 5, episode 27. In the episode there was this rogue alien from the planet Venus (not the Solar System Venus, but another Venus from another galaxy) who dressed up as a local law enforcement officer and responded to vehicle accidents. He would respond and abduct helpless victims without anyone ever figuring it out. His victims would be used as slave labor in sneaker making factories. I sensed something wasn't totally right about the cop by the way he looked right at me and was hurrying our way. He didn't at all seem interested in the crash victim, than a strange fear came over me. Now I am not one who normally over reacts to things, but my gut told me this guy was not going to be nice. It was right then I realized I needed to do something to protect the lady. Don't misunderstand; I didn't think the fake cop was an alien from another Venus. I figured he was probably an illegal alien from another country trying to abduct people to sell into his country's slave market. It only took a fraction of a second, but I imagined in my mind this poor helpless woman being forced to work in a factory, probably making golf balls or something.

What I did next any real American hero would have done--I kicked the fake, illegal alien cop right in the nuts. As he crumpled over in pain I took the lady's purse from her and began beating him in the head with it. There was only one problem with my last-minute-plan--I didn't see he wasn't alone until the last split second. Out of the corner-of-my-eye I caught the glimpse of three to four other fake, illegal alien cops running at me, right about then everything went dark.

I woke up a few hours later in a jail cell. I was confused at first but then I realized that I was most likely there for my own protection, I still can't figure out why I was handcuffed. I figured the real police probably showed up just about the time the fake, illegal alien cops were about to abduct me and the lady and they rescued us somehow. Wow, do I owe them; I don't know the first thing about making golf balls. When the jailor saw I was awake he opened the door and led me into a poorly lit room. I was questioned for several more hours about the incident and I told them everything I just told you. I even met with a psychiatrist while I was there. He kept shaking his head while I told him my story. I think he was one of those bleeding-heart liberals who always side with the fake, illegal alien cops. Eventually they gave me a piece of paper and told me I needed to report to court in a couple days. I assume they captured those fake, illegal alien cops and I need to go to court to testify—I'm looking forward to putting them away. The streets will be safer once we rid them of those fake, illegal alien cops.

As I left the jailhouse I realized I had been there all night and only had 10 minutes to get to work. So I drove straight there and clocked in two minutes late; thus receiving my incident. Oh well, to paraphrase an old Yogi Bear saying "That's the way the cookie crumbles once you step on it."

One very good piece of news I can report is, while on my way out of the jailhouse I saw the lady from the accident drive past and she looked very good. So did her car, her mechanic must have evening hours…