News Article??

A Bag Of Groceries For A Car?

By, Ben A. Farse
BS Release, November 31, 2008

With the economy still sliding down the slippery slope toward oblivion, and automakers begging for a bailout from the government; local auto dealers have resorted to ingenious ways of selling cars. The dwindling dollar, rising food costs, and with the holidays arriving local auto dealer Pete R. Pann of Pete’s Auto, RV and Coffee Shop reported that the local auto dealer association has met to devise ways to move vehicles from their lots to your driveways.

“We met this past weekend and set up new costs for the variety of vehicles we have” Pann said in a recent interview “We hope to see a dramatic increase in auto sales due to the drastic changes.” The auto dealers have established the following guidelines for purchasing a new vehicle. Sub-compacts can be purchased for a nice fruit basket; compact cars will cost a bag of groceries for the employees; a subscription to the Meat-Of-The-Month Club will earn you a mid-sized sedan; vans and SUV are the pricy ones and will go for two cases of beer for a mini-van; and a full-size van or SUV will cost either a bottle of Blanc de Valdigne of Morgex of the Valle d'Aosta in Norwest Italy or just three bottles of Alba Rosa from Jersey. “We decided to take this route to move our inventory since people were no longer purchasing vehicles with money. We needed to do something to feed our employees and to make way for the newer models” Pann said.

News of such drastic changes caused a slight rise in GM and Ford stocks on Wall Street today and also caused an increase in stocks for companies such as “Fruit-Baskets-To-Go” and “Get Yer Wine Here In Jersey-Got It!?, Inc.” A spokes person from the UAW, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated that if this pattern continues and such a bartering system makes its way into the manufacturing section of the automobile trade, the Union plans to negotiate subscriptions for each employee to clubs such as “Fruit of the Month” and the ever popular “Nut of the Week.”

Recently representatives from ReMaxx and Century 21 met to discuss the possibility of using Monopoly money for new home purchases, however attorneys from Parker Brothers intervened demanding the makers of Monopoly, a fun filled game for the whole family packed with entertainment and educational value, be included in such negotiations as they have a high stake in the matter. The talks have since stalled as they could not agree on a price for hotels and houses.

In other similar news, since the U.S. Dollar is the cheapest it has ever been, many voters rights groups are forming grassroots efforts to begin paying politicians and bureaucrats with pieces of paper stating “We Owe You” on them. China was considering out sourcing some of their more menial jobs to the U.S. as a way of cutting costs, but rumor has it aliens from the planet Krypton have begun negotiating with the Chinese government to lure the jobs their way.

You can count on the staff of The Newspaper to continue watching these ever evolving stories and for the cost an apple or banana we are still the most affordable news source available.